Sunday, March 8, 2009


I am a woman of rhythm. Not unlike a lot of you ladies, I have a cadence to my life. Most days I take this for granted... using words like monotony or sameness.

Not so today, my friend.

Tonight I cozy up to the desk with a hot cup of blackberry infusion tea in hand, ready to take on all that sameness with grace.

My sweet grandmother passed last Thursday morning.
I scooped up my boys and drove back over the mountain pass on Tuesday morning, so I got to see her several more times before she passed, though I think those visits were my benefit, as she was in a drug induced coma in those last days. I did talk to her, and held her hand...this was so important to her in the days I had stayed with her the weekend prior. Even in the night I slept at the hospital with her, my eyes would see her little fingers in the dark reaching out for a hand. What sweet, sweet memories I have of that night and those days. As my mother put so well; I fell in love with my grandmother this week. I read the word to her, she loved Psalms and I sang, sang and sang to her. I was able to recall to her favorite memories and thank her for the heritage of faith that she planted in my mother. Her few words were kind and her gentleness and love for the Lord were evident even in her last days.

We celebrated the end of her Great Wait on Saturday in Roseburg Oregon with my family. There were photos, treasures from her life and tears, stories and laughter. I loved also, the time I got with my family. It's been a rich, rich week. Equally exhausting.

After three six trips over that snowy mountain pass, I am glad to be home. After a week like this though, my rhythm is all messed up and I long for the pace of normal life. But when I got home, I found myself a little lost. This isn't unusual for me, I just don't know where to pick up after being so busy and gone...and grieving.

I have grieved before. A divorce, two sweet babies gone to me by miscarriage. I know grief well. It comes in waves, it never leaves soon and it's best accompanied with tears, memories, comic relief and the beat of sameness.

So this week, I'm creating a plan. I'm going to fall back on those familiar things, the things that mean life will move forward and that though some things have changed, I can anticipate that some will be the same.

I will find comfort here...

Running is food for my body and soul. I love being out in the sun, breathing the juniper scented air, moving my muscles. I love the lyrics to John Denver's song;
You fill up my senses
Like a night in the forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again

Laundry. I find laundry comforting. I've taken our laundry room as my own, and keep a Bible there. I pray while I fold. I pray for the little feet that fill the socks I fold, pray that they'll quickly find the straight and narrow. It's warm and yummy laundry-praying time. Comfort.

I will drink lots of water. It's good for you and I feel a
little like a queen when I indulge in my yummy
Trader Joe's flavored water. A queen? I know,
it doesn't take much.

Family is the center of my days, this week I'll play more games, read more boy-books, look, listen and linger a bit more.

I'll sneak some time in too, for some dear friends. Friends are therapy for the heart, and we all know that we can't possibly spend all 7,000 words on our husbands...

Rest is up there on my list too,
sleep is nothing to shake a stick at...I need it,

I'll devote extra time to my sweet Ralph, he and I have been passing by each other all week, we need more time than usual. So I'll make time to chat with him more, do some good things for him. He works so hard and has been fantastic watching the kids so much so I could be with family. I am so blessed!

This is my favorite reading corner lately. Perched on this cozy chair on the landing, I am ever present to the boys who streak up and down stairs. I can hear everything and don't attract too much attention. It's a great place to get in The Word, talk to God a bit, journal or read for pleasure.

And on that note;

Psalms 139: 13-18
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.


Kristin said...

Amanda, thank you for letting us peer into the life you led this week. I am so thankful that your Grandma is with Jesus and that you had that precious time with her. I pray that this week will be a time to rest and you will take comfort in these things that you wrote about.

Kristin said...

I was just starting my laundry- which is a mountain high! In my head I was grumbling about how my dryer doesn't dry in one cycle and how my kids wear too many clothes in one week. Then... I remember your blog that I had just read. Thank you, dear, friend for sharing how you use laundry time to pray for each child and husband. I am now going to fold each pair of jeans and pray for those sweet people God put into my life.

I am still going to pray for a new dryer though!

Cathy said...

this was a beautiful post, Amanda. Thanks for giving me a look into these past weeks for you. I'm sorry we kept missing eachother's calls, but you were in my prayers this weekend. That is awesome that God gave you that time to "fall in love with your Grandma" brought tears to my eyes to read that. Love you. And I pray that this week is a time of comfort, routine, and rest.

Jenny said...

What a lovely posting. Welcome home. We are glad to have you back. We are glad that Heaven is rejoicing in your Grandmonther going home, too.

Please feel free to spend any of your 70,000 words on me.

runninggal said...

I so related to this post. I have thought most of these thoughts myself...and had a very similar experience in 2004 when I lost my sweet grandma at age 90. We sang hymns too, just me and her, as we held hands in her morphine coma. She knew. I know she knew. She'd squeeze me a little tighter during some of the songs.

I love doing laundry too. I have always enjoyed folding each of my families cute clothes and thinking of each of them as they are off at school. It does create a nice rhythym to the week.

I have been praying for you every day. Wanted to call, but then decided to give you space to be with your family. I'll call this week.

Amanda P said...

Wow... you are a gifted writer. Thank you for sharing your life with me. I am so very sorry to hear about your grandmother's passing... more for you than for her. As we know that she is in our glorious Lord's presence and that she is truly having the time of her life.
I love you and I really miss you. Won't you at least come for a visit soon? I could use a hearty dose of Amanda... beloved.
Thank you for the reminder to enjoy normalcy.

Hilary said...

Thinking of you, dear friend! Jan & I send hugs - two grandmas gone for us last year; we know in part what you are feeling.

Kristin said...

Hi friend.
(Don't post this. For your eyes only)

It's too late to call you so I thought I would drop you a note on your blog. Funny, huh? I tried calling tonight around 5 right after you called me, but I think you were on the phone because it kept ringing with no answer machine.

I'll have Mandi call you tomorrow after school. She is pretty sure that she is available.

I was thinking that we should get together next week with Karyn and work out some meal ideas. I am soooo excited about the beach trip and so glad we will be hanging out with each other. We all need this so much.

Are you going to the Woman's Retreat planning thing tomorrow night? Shelli mentioned that you might be able to make it. I hope so!

Well, I will hopefully see you tomorrow at Bible Study. I have no appointments at all. Yeah! And I have been feeling like my old self.

OK- I'm turning in for the night. I hope you had a restful, rythmatic day. I miss you and am looking forward to talking soon.


Anonymous said...

i am sorry to hear about your loss and grief, but happy with you that your Grandmother is in heaven. =) will be good to see you around. am hoping to make it to bible study, but will have to see how morning goes. will have to catch up with you soon. have a bright day!

Amy said...

Amanda... I am so sorry to hear that your sweet Grandma passed. My goodness. So so glad that you got to be there with her before she passed throught that veil to eternal life, tho. What a gift that I know you will hold in your heart always.

Praying for you as your walk through this time of mourning. I love all the healthy ways that you are choosing to comfort your heart.. well done, my friend.

Hugs.. Amy

Karyn said...

I just love you. And hurt for you. And rejoice with you. And pray for you. And miss you.