Sunday, October 30, 2011

Ill-Equipped

I want to tell you that it's not just in the teaching my children that I've learned.  I should say that I've seen it in all areas of my life;  decision making, marriage, grieving, parenting, forgiveness, friendship, leadership.  Above all of those areas though, I see it more than ever now in my job.

I am ill-equipped.


ill-e·quipped

 [il-i-kwipt]  
adjective
1.
badly or inadequately equipped


This is a real downside, being that one of the goals of my life is to prove myself.  To make it evident to others watching me that I CAN do this thing, be it motherhood, marriage, or getting through the grocery store with three medium sized boys and a smile on my face.  I want to show everyone that it can be done graciously, in doing so, prove myself good.  Or equipped.  Or something like arrived.


Before you go saying that I shouldn't be hard on myself, or that "I'd never have the patience to homeschool,"  let me just say that I'm just being truthful to myself and that homeschooling only proves that I don't have the patience.

I love this job of homeschooling.  And yet nearly every week you'll find me hiding in the bathroom with tears in my eyes whispering (or yelling) to God that I just don't know what I'm doing, I just don't know how to be consistant or patient or wise enough.  This job brings me to my knees on a regular basis.

And in a way I know this is a good thing.

Maybe I'm kind of starting to get over me, thinking that life is about getting Amanda happy.

Now I'm clearly aware of my lack.  Of my need for something that goes beyond me.  I know just how much I need God, and am daily amazed at the price He paid;

He sent His only Son
             to show us how to live
He sent His only Son
              to give His life in a sacrifice that would replace the sacrifice no one man could ever pay.

You see, before Christ died, God asked for a sacrifice for every sin a man committed.  The slaughter, then burnt offering of an animal that would cover the sin of man.  But we sin daily now, don't  we, and how, ever could an animal cover the daily sin of man?

So God made a covenant with Himself, he knew man could not keep a covenant.

He sent His only Son
           to give his life in a sacrifice for me.

Me, full of holes.  Needing grace and covering everyday for my sins, all because He loves me.  All because He made me and He knew I was ill-equipped.

And as I believe in Him, I am forgiven and filled.  Filled with the light of God, the truth.

2 Corinthians 4:7 – But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show us that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

This is so much more than religion people.

This is me; a cracked pot of sorts.  A woman who can't get it together and yells at my kids, who forgets to make dinner and has terrible quiet thoughts.  The woman who thinks about myself more often than not, then justifies it.  The woman who talks first and thinks later.  A woman who has been abused, dumped & divorced, lied to, yelled at, betrayed, left behind, disowned and just hurt.  Remember, the woman hiding in the bathroom, crying?

And this is me, still the same girl with the same issues, but full of something that is all love, grace, forgiveness.  The girl who has been healed of those hurts, who can learn to control my tongue, and can learn to forgive others and myself when I screw up because God loved me enough to forgive me, to pay a huge price so that I could live a free life, holes and all.


2 Corinthians 12:9-10 Each time [God] said,
 “My grace is all you need. My power works 
best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast 
about my weaknesses, so that the power of 
Christ can work through me. That’s why I take 
pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, 
hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I
 suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I
 am strong.


The beautiful part is that because God is in me it's okay to be inadequate.  I don't have to be perfect or together.  I can be a relaxed homeschooler because I can see this life is fluid and when life is in motion it's not neat ; not all together.

I am learning to be okay with proving to everyone that homeschooling makes life messier and busier, it stretches a woman in a way she's never been pulled.  It's work and it's lovely and for all the 2,293 reasons I've listed in previous posts it's in every.way.worthwhile.  Homeschooling =my boys get to see an all day example of what a mess I am and what a good God we love because He loves me anyhow.

I'm certain that if any of us stop & think for very long we'll be aware of our inadequacies.  True, so many of you aren't on this mission I've been to prove to the world, or yourself, that I'm NOT inadequate. But we still need more, we need God to fill in the holes and be what we aren't.  Mostly, to cover the sin and awful parts of our lives so we can live freely.

I can freely say I'm a mess.  I don't fall apart because Christ holds all things together.

If you tell me that you don't have the patience to homeschool I promise you'll be met with knowing eyes~ I know you don't.  I don't either.  If you want to ask me about being a filled up mess, please do.   I don't have what it takes to get through a lot in this life. (Teaching my boys day in and day out just highlights the fact)  I'm ill equipped.  God knows it, too.  But He has way with me.  He's making me beautiful.


All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life
could really
change at all

All this earth
could all that is lost
ever be found
could a garden come up from this
ground at all


You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things
Out of the dust
You make beautiful things 
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up 
from this old ground
out of chaos life is being 
found in you

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things
Out of the dust
You make beautiful things 
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new
You are making me new











4 comments:

April said...

You nailed it with "I don't fall apart because Christ holds all things together."
Beautiful post. THANK YOU.
~april

Jessica said...

Thanks for being so transparent, Amanda. I am learning that it is in my inadequacies that God gets to shine. I know that my kiddos are the ones who are going to see him shining the most if I am honest enough with them about who is keeping things going in our home and our lives. You've given me food for thought...you always do. Thank you!

Pebblekeeper ~ Angie said...

From one cracked pot to another - thank you. What a beautiful post!

Simply Taunya said...

Thank you Amanda. It's just what I needed this morning.