It's far too full, for one. My list of things to do seems to not shrink, but grow by a few things every day. I don't like that. I want my list to shrink. But our life is full in so many ways so there are things to do.
I laid the wood, paper and Ponderosa needles ready last night so I could light the fire the moment I crept down the talking stairs of our house this morning. And as I did I was overwhelmed of all there is to do and be and whether I should go ahead and keep these plans or just cancel so that I could stay home and be a mom and wife and get things that are screaming at me done. Very, very important things.
I wonder at the purpose of my days.
I feel week and shaky, thinking of all that I need to be when I know I'm just little old me and that I can't possibly get all these things done anytime soon. So I whisper to God that this is who I am, what I do and can He reach down and help me be tender and teacher in the middle of all this thinking and lists and tasks? This, I thought, is how each day should begin. Humbled and knowing I need help...crying out or whispering for His help. I can't do it.
And then I sat down in the morning light and read His Word. There was no miracle in it, no standing out word but that I should do this or drop that. But I wrap His instruction around me and press forward into the morning. I read in Proverbs that a cheerful heart is a good medicine so I determine to have just that as I muddle through. I want my family to have good medicine today.
When I read other blogs this morning, there are so many other mamas that feel this way. What to do? How to slow down and love when you're new-baby exhausted? How to take care of your family when you can hardly take care of yourself?
It is good, not to be alone.
And I come back to a cheerful heart, I join up with Ann again today to count the things for which I am grateful, the things that give me a cheerful heart when mediated upon.
The tender hug of my mama when she's missed me so heavily. I wonder if she felt how I pulled it in, felt it completely?
Music that is light and keeps us moving and cheerful.
Memories of long ago friends, and feeling that my life is full in friends.
Carpet that doesn't reveal every.single.doggie hair.
Memories of middle of the night words whispered to not-sleepy babies.
Dog piles in my art room, just minutes ago. I was in the middle of all those boy-arms and legs.
Laughter with my 10-year-loved husband. And that look he gives me. Still.
A hot fire that draws us all in to the same room.
Babies. Mine are all big, but there are so many fat, cute babies to wink at and smell. Oh, I love babies.
Today. To fill as I like. To have the choice of a cheerful heart.